Sunday, June 3, 2012


Hey, here's a little tip for you. If you get sick on a boat, eat a can of stewed tomatoes…doesn’t help but it looks pretty in the water.

Anyway, so I get on the ship for an eight week gig...go to my cabin...put my stuff away...go back out on the deck - and everybody there, everybody on the whole naked...naked people everywhere...not pretty naked people -  flabby old naked people. Then I saw the sign...big banner. "Welcome to our annual nudist cruise." Somebody forgot to tell me that. I'd just bought a new suit. All those beautiful people you see in the picture on the internet didn't show up...the entire membership of AARP did...obviously from Miami ...not a foreskin in the bunch.

Eight weeks on a ship with 2000 naked retirees...things I never wanted to see flopping and bouncing...naked old ladies playing volleyball...that picture burnt in my brain!

...bunch of naked people in a cramped ships elevator...and every time it stops at a floor it does that little bounce, and flips things you don't notice when you're dressed. I started to punch the elevator button, and a guy in the back said, "ballroom" we all gave him a little more room. Ever occur to you that elevators smell different to midgets?

Anyway, the first few hours...kinda weird but you get over it. Got your mirrored sun sunglasses. Sit down with a group of people, get acquainted, have a cup of coffee. Oh, the ship moves, so hang on to that cup; don't wanna spill that shit on Mr. happy.

I sent my mother a picture…cut the bottom half off so she wouldn’t see I was naked. I think I sent the wrong half 'cause I got a letter back that said, "Change your hairstyle. That one makes your nose look too long."

If you ever go on a nudist cruise, here's a few little, humor is fine, but quickly rotating your hips, and with a little flip, pointing, "over there"...bad taste. When you're sitting around...and people are standing careful where you yawn. And if you're a midget, don't go around sticking your nose in everybody's business. By the same token, if you're very tall, don't go around sticking your business in everybody's nose. Also, if you're standing, and someone is sitting behind you, don't turn suddenly. That can be a real slap in the face.

If you've been on a ship you'll know about this; the toilets on a ship are vacuum operated. There's a very powerful vacuum in all the pipes. Which means somewhere in the bottom of the ship is one big friggin' Hoover…and it’s connected to the toilet in your cabin. So there you are on your first cruise…you're in your cabin…you have to go to the bathroom, so you go in and sit down on the toilet. If you happen to be constipated...not to worry... first time you flush that thing it's gonna scare the crap right out of you - you’re like…damn…what’d I do? Did we hit an iceberg? You hear Celine Dion singing that song... When you go to the bathroom on a ship, do your business...then stand up...then flush it. Never flush that toilet while you’re sitting on it. If you flush that toilet while your sitting on it, it'll suck your tongue right out your ass...8 decks below...down into the bowels of the ship...and you're gonna spend the next hour trying to get it back where it belongs. It's a good thing they don't have bidets - you walk in the bathroom...find your wife splattered all over the ceiling.

The "bowels of the ship"... where'd that come from? Ships ain't got no bowels. If they had bowels I wouldn't go in 'em. You go in the bowels of the ship, the ship farts, and you're outa there...deep long sucker.

In the evening you stand at the back of the ship looking out over the ocean at the sunset, the wake of the ship sparkling in last rays of the water, the glistening trail of... sewage. The law says it has to be dumped beyond the 3 mile limit...out where the fishermen go for the really fresh fish. Flotsam and jetsam. If you're not sure what flotsam and jetsam is - "jetsam" is just things they throw away...broken chair, toss it overboard. That’s jetsam. "Flotsam," on the other hand, is just what the word sounds like. Anytime you're around a cruise ship look down in the water. You'll see a flot or 2 floating around down there.

Anyway, if you ever see me playing on a ship, be sure and say, "Hello." (if you're naked, please don't offer to shake my hand)

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