Thursday, May 31, 2012


What's with these people who like to run around naked at the beach. If God had wanted us to be naked then we would have been born na...uh...wait...let me think about this one a minute. 

Newspaper article I would like to see - "The man who was fatally shot yesterday by a shop owner while robbing a jewelry store has been identified by police as "just another asshole." Persons wanting to claim the body will find it in the ditch behind the mall." 

You told your kids that if they tried marijuana they would get hooked on it, and it would ruin their lives forever. You've just learned that they tried it anyway and didn't get hooked on it, and it didn't ruin their lives forever. In fact, they have a joint ever now then with no apparent ill effects. Now that they've seen how you lied to them about the dangers of marijuana, it's time to tell them about the perils of truly dangerous drugs. Good luck.

Lady, when I take you or no shoes...keep your goddamn feet off my dashboard. 

Ever notice when somebody you know has an unconventional idea  -   it'll never work? 

Don't you hate it when a car full of kids drives by with the radio up so loud you can hear it from a hundred feet away? Don't those kids know that the noise you're gonna be subjected to for all of 5 to 10 seconds will damage you for life, ruin your whole day, and cause you to bitch, moan and complain for the next 10 minutes when a normal person would have merely smiled in memory of their own youth?

If you are recruited as a martyr, why aren't the people who recruited you martyrs? Is it because it's too dangerous? 

You're a 47-year-old man. While sitting at the bar you meet 2 women. One is 21, the other is 45. Both are knockouts, and both seem interested in you. The 21 year-old isn't very bright, so you spend your time talking to the 45-year-old who is very intelligent, fun, and with whom you have a lot in common. At closing time you politely say goodnight to the 45-year-old and take the 21-year-old home. Does anyone have any questions about this?

Are you a Christian? You are? What degree? I mean, if you're a Christian you live 100% according to the rules of the new testament, right? No credit cards, right? Oh, you have some? Wasn't there something about messing around with money lenders? Oops! Do you work on Sunday? Bummer. Divorced? Uh oh, down another notch. Had sex out of wedlock? Wow, where are we so far...about 60 percent Christian? Filched a few floppies from work, a pen or two? Had erotic thoughts about thy neighbor's wife? Let's see now, on a scale of 1 to 10 you're down to about a 3rd degree Christian. Maybe a little white lie now and then about why you were late for work? Are you sure you're a Christian? You know, with all that in mind, sometimes I get really tired of people who say, "I'm a Christian," making moral rules for me...unless maybe they're 10th degree Christians...but I've never met one of those. Why can't I buy booze on Sunday? 

You took her out to dinner. In casual conversation she made it clear to you that she wanted to be "just friends."  So when the bill came you told her how much her half was...right? 

Incidentally, I'm looking for a good religion. Does anybody know which, of all those "One True God"-s, has the least number of rules? 

None of my business, not judging, not knocking it, just honestly curious. Why would a gay man, who is attracted to other "men" - not attracted to women at all - have a boyfriend who thinks and acts like a girl? 

Occasionally, someone will say to me, "You're wrong," in which case I reply, "You're stupid," and walk away. Why?... because just like the person who said, "you're wrong," my ideas and opinions are conclusions based on information with which I have been provide by others, or information I have gathered myself from what I thought were valid sources.  On the other hand, if someone says to me, "I disagree," or, "I Have a different opinion," I think to myself...'Perhaps this person has information about the subject that I don't have - or maybe I misinterpreted my information - or maybe my information needs reviewing.' Anyway, I stop and listen. Maybe I will get new information, or a clarification of my own. Perhaps this person has discovered a new perspective in viewing the subject. In any case, whatever the reason this person has for disagreeing with me, I will probably come away from the discussion knowing more than I did before...although I still might not agree with them. The person who simply says, "You're wrong," and proceeds to tell me how "right" they are, has no interest in comparing information or discussing the subject intelligently, is stubborn and a I reply, "You're stupid" and walk away. 

Actual email I received: "I find your website more offensive ever time I go there."  

Modern society. Today you gotta be up to the mainstream. Gotta do proactive...employ intuitive solutions - and see how much of this kind of new-age, techno babble, crap-speak you can cram into a conversation over a latte at Starbucks.  

....taxes for local, state and federal beautification projects, national parks, support for the arts, symphonies, people who can't afford health insurance something nice to look at while they rot. While we're at it, instead of taking care of our own let's spend some more tax money on bringing poor, underprivileged, third world people to America for transplants and operations unavailable in their countries - and unavailable to uninsured Americans. Oh, and let's not forget all those American doctors, nurses, etc. that a million uninsured, minimum wage, sick Americans can't afford, who donate their services, money and medical supplies to other countries for people whose governments would rather build palaces than provide for their people. 

Don't you just love businesses that cater to people who work from 8 to 5 - five days a week - and are only open from 8 to 5 - five days a week?

I may be wrong but it's my understanding that the Arab world harbors a great deal of animosity towards the Jewish people. Why? I don't care! I also understand that, generally, women are not held in great esteem by some Arabs when it comes to business or politics. Why? I don't care! Anyway, it would seem to me that, given the world situation lately, we should be extremely careful, always erring on the side of caution and being acutely aware of sensitivities when interacting with any of the Arab countries. A few years ago, we sent two people to deal with them, Cohen and Albright .... a Jewish guy and a woman... both highly qualified and deserving of the utmost respect but... am I missing something here?

Is there somebody you hate?... like members of a race or religion, somebody with a different sexual orientation or nationality, somebody different from you in some way?... Just think... if you spent more time studying and less time hating, then maybe someday you could get your GED.

Taking medication without reading the directions... I'm guilty of that myself. You buy suppositories... you don't read the directions... you figure you know how to use em -  that's why I buy the little ones... they're easier to swallow. You'd think they'd put a coating on em... looks like something you'd shove up your ass.

Reality TV. ... small group of people on a deserted island must survive alone. Picture yourself finding your own food, fishing, hunting, building your own shelter, surviving sickness, living primitive, etc...all this while trying to stay out of the way of the production company operators, lighting engineers, sound engineers, makeup artists, directors, other film specialists, insurance reps, staff food preparers, company nurses, freight handlers, visiting VIPs, sponsors reps, secretaries, chemical toilets, staff housing, staff and equipment transport... 

Kids are getting fatter. Well, time to put some more coke and snack machines in schools. I wish we had coke and snack machines when I was in school. We asked for them but they said it would make us fat.  

You have come up a with plan to restructure the department, in which you work, that will substantially increase your company's profits. You submitted the plan to your supervisor and he submitted it to management. Management implemented the plan and it worked so well that your supervisor got promoted to manager. If you have any more good ideas, make sure you submit them to your new supervisor.

Same sex marriage... should 2 people of the same sex be allowed to marry? - That is, should people walk down the aisle with other people their same height?... easy question, easy answer... if you're gay. But to most people, marriage is traditionally a union between 2 people... sharing 1 penis. You've heard the expression, "never the twain shall meet." That's why people get nervous when the bride and the groom both have a twain. The logical concern is "benefits abuse" but, what the hell, straight women invented "marriage for profit" thousands of years ago.  (personally, I don't give a damn one way or the other)

I played a lot of clubs in Cocoa Beach, Florida. You learn what's happening in a town when you play the clubs. I had a friend who was a cop. One day, I asked him why, since everybody in that small town knew who all the drug dealers were and where to find them every night, they didn't just start at one end of the beach some night and go from club to club arresting all the dealers. That would be the end of the drug problem in Cocoa Beach. Wanna hear the answer?... swear to god... he said they weren't allowed to do that cause prosecuting them would be too expensive. Since then, I don't give out much sympathy when I hear communities whining about their drug problem.

The "Golden Years"... approaching my golden years... that means, I get to drive down the road at 20 miles an hour while you're behind me yelling "go die you friggin old fart". I guess they call them golden years... as opposed to the crappy years when you're young and healthy, feel good all the time and get laid once in a while... yeah, those are crappy... these are golden... screw golden... I want more crappy. Incidentally, when you start gettin old, maybe it's time to stop wearing tank tops at the salad bar... some people might not wanna throw up. Next time you see me frolicking around on the beach with my gut hanging over a skimpy little bathing suit... do everybody a favor... tell me to go put some friggin clothes on... don't throw me the Frisbee.

I never played country music... not because I didn't like it (I don't) but because there are zillions of powerful country players out there that play it a hell of a lot better than I do... lots of great players... not enough country music jobs... the result of that is to make it a buyers market so it never paid as well as some other types of music. So, what's my gripe?... country music lovers who come into my club and find out I don't play it then say, "Man, you don't know no good music."... yeah, right... that makes sense. Now, not all country music lovers do that, of course... but why is it that only country music lovers do it? 

If you're a 60 year old man, who works a low paying job, be assured that young women see you as just some wrinkled old fart - until you win the lottery... then you're an experienced, intelligent, sensitive, mature gentleman. 

My all time favorite bitch - If you don't know how to program your VCR  -  It came with a book... read it! If you don't know how to operate the cable box on top of your TV, or the remote - they came with instructions, read em! If you can't figure out how to set your alarm clock... jeez! If you can't use a program on your computer, and refuse to read the help files, then you have no business messing with it. When somebody tells me they're having trouble doing something, then I'm glad to help -  but when they're not even trying to learn, unless it's something I can do that the average person would normally need help with... screw em! What they're saying is, "Would you take your valuable time to learn how to do something for me that I don't want to waste my valuable time learning how to do for myself!" 

Heard this years ago - My favorite story - not because it's funny - I just like the idea: The judge said to the defendant, "You're charged with shooting a man dead. Why did you kill him?" The defendant answered, "Well, Judge, he was an asshole and just needed kill'in." To which the Judge replied, "Why didn't you say so in the first place ... case dismissed."

If you had a black friend, a Jewish friend, a Mexican friend, an Indian friend and so on, imagine all the really funny jokes you could play on a blind bigot.

Hard Rock - Jeez, come on guys... same old crap for 30 years... no new imagination, no innovation... same sounds, same looks, same words... the only thing that's changed is the technology. If you record today's rock on yesterdays technology, guess what?... it would sound the same as 30 year old rock... All we're doing today is screaming louder and cussing more, but we're whackin off the same old licks. E-V-O-L-U-T-I-O-N.....where is it? 

The most unbelievable, incredible, self-righteous, ego-centric, self-important, shockingly, stunningly and ultimately stupid thing I have ever heard of - a "man" who, in his wildest imaginings, thinks his opinions on abortion are even remotely valid. 

There's a sign on the Statue Of Liberty that says, "Give me your tired your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" It welcomed my forefathers to this country and, unless yours came across the Bering Straights, it welcomed yours too. It is representative of my country and as long as it's there I'm standing right beside it with my arms wide open saying, "Welcome .... as long as you're not trying to sneak in... come on in ... you'll be safe here'll be free here ... and we're sincerely glad to have you. Incidentally, when you get here, you will learn my language, respect my government, pay your own way, follow the same rules that I do, and not criticize or discriminate against any of the other races or religions here ... or ... I'll do my best to kick your sorry ass back to where you came from."  

The next time you hear a telephone company, power company, insurance company, whatever, telling you that if they are allowed to raise their rates your bills will be smaller...please call me so I can explain the absurdity of that statement.

We need to raise the taxes on cigarettes high enough so that poor people, who smoke, will have less money left over for food. Hey, if they don't have enough willpower to quit smoking then they're inferior people anyway... isn't that right, asshole?

Business has gotten cold and impersonal.... yesterday you were an valued employee... today you're a resource... one of the human ones... chances are, you're a temporary resource, with no benefits and can't use the bathroom... tomorrow you'll be a disposable resource... you're a tampon. 

The average legislator knows the needs of the average American. He ensures this by carefully observing the needs and behavior of the average Americans he comes in contact with... like the people who live around him in his exclusive gated community, the people he meets at expensive fund raising events, other high paid government officials and employees, the leaders of the business community, lobbyist, etc. By observing these average people and analyzing their way of life he is able to determine that the average American has an income of 80 zillion dollars a year. This information allows him to make decisions as to what's best for the average American. Of course, he is vaguely aware that there may be some people who make less than 80 zillion dollars a year but, since he never sees them, there must not be many... they'll get by.  

Some years ago I played in a town in Michigan for a few months. The city fathers had decided to put a Caulder Sculpture in front of the courthouse (a Caulder is a monstrously expensive pile of scrap metal welded together and spray painted red) and so they did. I couldn't help but notice that immediately behind the courthouse was a very poor neighborhood, streets and services badly in need of attention, non-existent employment rate, crime rampant and so on. I remember wondering if the people in that neighborhood were asked if it was all right to spend their tax money on a Caulder.

Let me make sure I've got this straight. I can start a church, right?... I'll call it... I don't know... Gods R Us or something. Now, this church doesn't have to pay taxes, right? So, my church can buy a business, make huge profits and I can keep the money and not have to pay tax on it just like all the other churches, right?... Oh yeah, I almost forgot... and I don't get prosecuted for molesting kids if I promise not to do it again... right?

My church is going to be all about peace and love and good will towards men so it will be located out in the desert where it's peaceful. Now, everyone knows that there are snakes and stuff in the desert so, like other religions located out in the desert or up in the mountains of Idaho, we will need a large cache of fully automatic assault weapons, ground to air shoulder launched missiles, oh, and maybe some grenades. My only worry is that the government has caused a lot of trouble for other religions that kept a gun or two around to protect themselves that poor Koresh guy, for instance. Jeez, makes you think that the government doesn't care if snakes bite people. 

When I was a kid, I would teach my little sister to say dirty words... the first thing my mother taught her to say was, "Where is this relationship going?"

Speaking of guns ...guns don't kill people, assholes kill people. I think, if we shot all the assholes, guns would be safe.

At last - we made those tobacco companies pay. How much did you get? 

Using sophisticated imaging technology, the military can determine the sex of a flea on a rat hiding in a hole from a satellite in space. Other satellites can direct a missile from a ship at sea a thousand miles across two countries and into the hole killing the flea without disturbing the rat. Of course, this is very expensive. It is much more economical to send an America soldier to a hostile land and let him risk his life doing it in person because, apparently, the government figures that the "going rate" on American boys isn't that much.

"Ok, you grunts. You're in the army now. What's that?... you wanna beer?... Hell no!... you're too damn young to buy a beer in this country?... What?... you wanna vote?... didn't you hear what I just said?... now get out there and die for your country." 

I keep forgetting to read that sign on the ATM that says, "Deposits made after 2:00 PM will not be posted until after you've written a check we can bounce and charge you $30 for." 

Miami is overrun with Cubans. Nothing but Cubans everywhere you look. Cubans all over the place...they've taken over Miami...starting to look like Cuba... That's cool as hell. You can go to a city, right here in America, and be immersed in authentic Cuban culture, language, ideas, people, food, entertainment...(course, I'm probably not too popular with Anglo Miamians for saying that...haha). 

Let me get this straight. He's 30 years old, in excellent health, been out of work and homeless for over a year because he doesn't want to take a low paying job - and he's collecting money from the taxes paid by a guy who supports a family on minimum wage.

Having trouble getting girls?... Can't imagine why?... I mean, you do all the cool guy things... right?... chew tobacco, etc... 

Some schools require children to study Latin. It's impossible to live in this country without knowing Latin. If a child learns nothing else in school, Latin will ensure their successful future. Just think back over today... could you have survived the day without your knowledge of Latin? See, all those miserable hours of studying Latin instead of something even remotely usable really paid off, didn't they.

This morning a civic leader said to himself, "Today, I'm going to do something for the good of the people, and for which I will receive no personal gain." This is a fairy tale, of course.

Gambling and prostitution is wrong, immoral, sinful, and illegal... except places where it's taxed.

Bad news for us old guys. When you hear a beautiful 18 year-old girl say she likes older men... she means older like 20.

What if all armies in the world required that soldiers bring in a permission slip from their moms before they were allowed to do anything hazardous?

Sports on TV are fine but ABC takes the cake. On Sat or Sun I would not be surprised to hear, "Stay tuned to ABC for news coverage of the ongoing nuclear attack on New York City right after the Oshkosh, Wisconsin city wide junior boys championship horseshoe preliminaries post game show."

Bad driving decisions kill what, many thousands of people a year? Ok, she's 16, licensed by the state to operate a highly dangerous 3 ton SUV capable of high speeds and great destruction... she's racing down the street, in and out of traffic and around pedestrians, cell phone in one hand, cigarette in the other... if you're a 17 year old boy and you have sex with her, you're going to jail... why?... cause, legally, she is not mature enough to make important decisions. 

When he turned 40, he bought a red sports car... recapturing his youth?... no, he always wanted one and could finally afford one... that simple. When he turned 40, he left his wife and ran off with a 21 year-old... recapturing his youth?... no, his wife got fat and sloppy and the 21 year-old looked so damned good... that simple. Hey gals, stop making up those crap excuses for why we do the things we do... fact is, we just plain like sports cars and it's our nature to dream about beautiful 21 year-old girls... sorry. 

All this talk lately about how Muslims are suppose to kill everybody who doesn't believe... blah, blah, blah... I decided I'd better check to make sure our good old Christian bible doesn't say anything terrible like that... Uh oh!... Sure enough... it does... good old God says were supposed to kill anybody that tries to tell us about another religion (to my horror, I found that Deuteronomy is full of it, some in Romans and Exodus)... damn, I thought we were the good guys... ain't there no nice gods out there?

She's at a nude beach. If you look at her she gets all huffy...what?

I love monkeys... rabbits... all little animals... thing is, they use them in medical research... how can they torture those poor animals like that? Of course, they have excuses... like, developing cures for diseases that have caused heartache, pain, suffering and death for billions of people throughout history and will continue to do so without research using live animals.  Well, I say, pain and suffering and death are good for us... save the poor little animals. 

If your children respect you, they will be good. Yeah, right! I was a good kid and my parents were good parents. I wasn't a good kid cause I respected my parents... I was a good kid cause if I did something wrong I'd think, "Oh my god, my dads gonna kill me."... course he never did... although looking back, I bet it crossed his mind every now and then... My point?... respect is good, but fear of death or mutilation works better.

He's 27 years old. He has a good job that doesn't take a lot of his time and he makes really good money. He's a healthy, very good looking guy that women find attractive. He dates lots of beautiful women and is extremely happy with his life. Of course, if you ask any woman, she'll tell you what's really going on there... he's afraid of commitment. 

My grandfather's, grandfather's, wife was a Blackfoot Indian. Can I open a casino?... No?... didn't think so. Speaking of Indians, just about every single civilization on earth has been totally conquered (most, much more brutally than the Indians) by somebody at some time in history. What happens to them?... they're absorbed into the conqueror's culture and way of life, receive equal benefits and stop whining after a hundred years, or so. (they rarely get casinos)  

I'm tired of hearing women bitch about the losers they meet/marry - Hey girls/women, check this out... if you lie with dogs, ya get fleas. You're gonna marry somebody you meet at the places you go... so, it's simple... don't go where losers go... hang with winners and you'll meet and marry a winner... if you hang with losers you'll marry one... it ain't rocket science (actually, same goes for guys). 

There's this word - "illegal" - which I understand to mean, well, illegal. If something is illegal you can't do it. Excuse me, but what's the deal with government benefits for illegal immigrants? I don't like it when somebody walks in my house, uninvited, and says, "I'm here, take care of me."  

Movie... guy tells the girl to stay in the car while he goes in the warehouse after the bad guys... we know what happens then... dumb bitch don't stay in the car... bad guys catch her, like he knew they would if she didn't stay in the car, and he gets shot trying to save her... Why don't they ever show the part where he beats the shit out of her for getting out of the car. 

Hate me yet?... think I'm an asshole?... think my opinions are dumb?... think I'm stupid and should just shut up? Well, that's Ok. This wasn't written for you. It was written for people who read opinions, think about them seriously, then agree or disagree with them. People who listen to opinions and think the originator is an asshole, dumb, stupid and should just shut up - are assholes who are dumb, stupid and should just shut least that's my opinion. 

Lao Tsu was rich... wealthy family... ruling class, in the government and all that. Now, with that in mind, read Tao again. Looks to me like it's about keeping the poor poor and the rich rich. 

Wanna try something fascinating? - Great school project - Videotape a 30-minute conversation between two average adult male strangers. Then, gather a group of people together and, very carefully, analyze the tape using the following criteria. You are watching a tape of two wild wolves encountering each other in the forest. This is what you are watching and listening for in words and body language: warnings, subtle statements or demonstrations of physical prowess, implied declarations of territory, aggressive/submissive behavior, impending representational attack/retreat, vying for dominance, etc. In civilized conversation, these two strangers are going to (figuratively, but seriously) piss on territory, growl warnings, show strength, establish mating rights and develop a dominant/sub-dominant relationship.  Listen to every word and watch every movement very, very carefully. Now, using your new perspective, go re-read your Darwin. 

Values! .... Its important for people to have values. I know what the important values are and I have them. If you don't have these values, that I know are important, and that I have, then you don't have the right values...right?

Ok, boot up your computer, when the Windows Desktop appears, open MSWord and knock of that letter to Aunt Gertrude. Now open Outlook Express and check your email. When you've finished those chores, click Internet Explorer and go online with MSN. Pop into your favorite chat room and bitch about Bill Gates and Microsoft. .... ("Ah ha," you say, "I'm not using MSN. So there!") 

97% of the world runs PCs (fact) ... most schools teach children computers using Macs. I hope whoever came up with that isn't teaching Logic.

Look at that bunch of kids. What a mess. Look at those clothes... jeez!... and listen to them talk... are they actually trying to sound dumb?... and these are the kids that are going to grow up to run the world?... Yep, that's right... and they're about 10 times smarter than we were when we were kids. What?... you don't think we looked stupid at that age? (I can hear you now, "No, no, I didn't act weird when I was a kid."... yeah, right)

Please stop shouting into your cell phone...and take it out of your mouth...I can't understand you.

Young people are great. Old people are great. Young people can look good. Old people can look good. Young people can be sexy. Old people are not sexy... Just turned 50?... button your shirt... you look stupid. 

Florida - my state... people move here and bitch... too hot, mosquitoes, low paying jobs, nothing to do - well, we got a bus going north every hour on the hour. 

Always have your 5 year old answer the phone, I got all friggin' day to waste.

There's these little kids... oh, about yea high... cute little things. They live in a poor orphanage in an underprivileged section of Chicago. Explain to them why you went all the way to Africa to adopt a kid. 

If one more person bitches about my spelling...