Sunday, June 3, 2012


Once, a million years ago, there was a family of Putzes: a mother Putz, a father Putz and several little ones. Among the little ones was a male named Schlup, and although Putzes were generally uniform in shape and size, Schlupas the result of an unfortunate gene mutationlooked just plain funny. All the other Putzes made fun of Schlup because, unlike a normal decent Putz with eyes located on the side of his head where they belonged, Schlup's eyes were a little more to the front of his face, and although normal in every other respect, you had to admit, for a Putz, Schlup was butt ugly.
Time went by and Schlup grew into a strong, healthy
albeit uglyteenaged Putz, and was allowed to accompany the adults on the daily hunt for Squrdswhich is what Putzes eat. When a group of Squrds were spotted, all the Putzes, including Schlup, rushed off to catch one. Squrds are delicious, though a bit bitter for my tastes. Now, a Squrd can run very fast and zigzags around, but if you're good at judging distances you can usually catch one, and that day almost everyone did, except Schlup, who caught two. All the other Putzes, worn out from trying to catch just one Squrd, were amazed that ugly Schlup was able to catch twoan unheard of feat. Although very handsome, Putzes are stupid, and could not be expected to figure out that, because of Schlup's eyes being located more to the front of his face thereby enhancing his depth perception, he was better able to judge the speed and distance between himself and the zigzagging Squrds, and from that day on while everyone else had to settle for one Squrd a day Schlup gorged himself on two, and as a result became stronger and healthier than all the other Putzes. He was still ugly, though.

Schlup's best friend had a sister named Betty who was really hot
great legs, eyes in the right place, etc. One day while everyone was sitting around picking fleas, Schlup became aware of an odd smell emanating from Betty that made him itch in a way he instinctively knew was not the result of flea bites. He also noticed the other males were similarly affected; they were sniffing around Betty and had begun fighting among themselves while Betty waited to see who won. Schlup, being stronger and healthier than the others, banged them all in the head and dragged Betty into some nearby bushes. Sometime later Betty gave birth to some little Schlups with weird eyes like their daddy, but also like their daddy, were able to catch more Squrds. When Schlup's children grew up they, in turn, had children with weird eyes, and so did their children and so on until the "Schlup and Betty" line of Putzes dominated the Squrd hunts, and the "normal" Putzes all died of hunger.

For many years life went on as usual for the new line of Putzes until one day, as the result of an another unfortunate gene mutation, a young Putz named Ralph
with slightly longer arms than usual and who was made fun of by the other Putzesfound that he could reach the juicy fruit on trees that, for others, was too high to reach, thus, supplementing his diet of Squrds and making him stronger and healthier than the other Putzes...and there was this hot girl named Martha...then there was an odd smell, sniffing, fighting, Ralph banging everybody on the head, into the bushes with Martha, etc. Eventually, the "Ralph and Martha" line of Putzeswith longer arms and weird eyesreplaced the Putzes that only had weird eyes. During the next thousands and thousands of years there were so many gene mutationslike longer legs, straighter backbones, tactile senses, not to mention hotter girls with better smells, then more sniffing and fighting ending with the mutant and the hot girl in the bushesthat the original stumpy, normal eyed, ground hugging, short legged Putzes, evolved into a magnificent, intelligent, successful species, later wiped out by man to make room for condominiums. This is how evolution works...well, at least for a Putz.
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