Saturday, June 2, 2012


Miami Beach
- the jewel of South Florida - a thin strip of glitter and sand...the sounds and smells of the bustling city of Miami wafting across the bay...the soft chattering of far away Uzis...the musty smell of backyard marijuana plants...young people in sidewalk cafes smoking cigarettes that, ever now and then, go "pop!" On the beaches, old men with metal detectors looking for lost coins in the sand, and kids looking for hastily discarded packages in the water. From just over the horizon, the throaty roar of overloaded go-fast boats making a run for the river...tourist experiencing exciting Cuban cuisine and diarrhea.

Key West

- the colorful and exotic southernmost tip of America...a city of friendship...people walking hand-in-hand with other people their same height...a tropical vacation spot with diverse and confusing arrays of flora, fauna, gender...a city of unique people escaping from the normal ins and outs (so to speak).


- center of the state - the throbbing heart of the Florida...home of Mickey, who likes kids a little but mostly likes pictures of dead presidents...nearby...Rollins College, a liberal arts school, where the "better" people send their kids to college (not those "other" people - you know the ones...). With a degree in liberal arts, from Rollins College, a graduate is qualified to say, "Is that for here, or to go?"


- quiet and rural in nature...home of Silver Springs, mermaids and thousands of poor people whose job is to clean up the barns of the many rich horse breeders in the surrounding area. Located in the Ocala Natural Forest where there are mostly just trees, and where you should watch your step cause, yes, bears do.

The Great Everglades

- the Everglades National Park...home of the clever Indians that make paste out of've probably heard of the Seminal Indians...yet untamed and primitive - the only tribe that has never signed a treaty with the United States....a tribe that has historically rejected missionaries (who try to get the squaws to cover their bodies) cause the Indian braves like breasts.


- Home of Florida's largest Rave, the University of Florida and it's well known football team, the "Florida Gators" (originally, the "Florida Alligators," but many high school graduates had never heard the whole word so...)


- Capitol of the state and center of power...Date Palms, Coconut Palms, Royal Palms and traditional home of the Outstretched Palm. A place of constant activity and excitement where the leaders of government determine the fate of their off-shore accounts. Site of Florida State University, located close to Alabama so kids from there can go to a college where townsfolk go...and it's premier football team, the Seminoles (taken from the clever Indians of the same name).

I'm a native Floridian.
We used to make fun of people from up north that came down to Ponce De Leon springs to buy water from the fountain of youth. Big joke in Florida...selling water to Yankees. Now, our water is so bad we have to buy water from up north. Big joke up north...selling water to Floridians...they probably piss in it before they send it down...I would. 

If you're from up north
Please don't feed our alligators. They're not very smart...they think food drops off of other food...and if you feed're the other food. It makes them think ummmm, this piece was good, maybe he's tasty. That makes them curious about people...then we have to trap and kill them; otherwise, they'll eat you, your children, your dog and your cat. It's their nature to bite things that's why God didn't make them cuddly.

The big cats you see out in our woods are called Florida Panthers. Go ahead and pet em - they're cuddly (hehe).Endangered species, not many the state (in it's dubious wisdom) decided to imported some bigger, stronger, meaner ones from Wyoming. I guess they figure we don't have enough dangerous animals in Florida, and we're gettin' too soft. We got enough bears, rabid racoons, alligators, wildcats hornets, snakes, sting rays, jelly fish, fire ants and
 sharks...but, apparently, we don't have enough vicious Panthers to chase us down and gut us...too damn many noisy kids running around back yards...Panthers'll fix that 

Our state is home to many thousands of beautiful young women. Please do not remove them. They're for the use of Native Floridians only. Florida is strictly BYOB...bring your own friggin' broad and leave ours alone. If it's necessary for you to take any of ours out of state, please return them in a timely manner. As in other states, each town you visit in Florida will offer a few older ones for general use...usually for a small fee. 

Hunting in Florida ... We have specific seasons for various game however you're allowed to keep anything you find dead in the road. Recipes are available on the internet

Fishing in Florida...gotta have night-crawlers to fish...big fat juicy ones...they come out and crawl at night and that's when you catch 'em. If you know where they are you can dig 'em out in the daytime, but they don't like that...they know what's going on. They're like, "Shit, you're going fishing, aren't you? ...stick a hook up my ass and dangle me from a sick bastard!"
 They're not stupid. They're  deaf, dumb, blind, and don't have a brain, but they pic up on vibes, and if you pull 'em out of the ground in the daytime they instinctively know they're screwed is hook in the ass day. But you gotta have night crawlers. You can put 'em in your garden too. They make fertilizer. They eat dirt...dirt goes in one end...dirt comes out the other's still dirt...but better dirt...worm dirt is better than plain's organic fertilizer that doesn't actually taste like shit on your onions.

Swimming off our beaches. We have sharks. We don't have great whites...but we gotta lot of average whites...and they'll be happy to dine on you, so if you see a shark, get out of the water...common sense. This is another example of things that aren't cuddly. 

We have Sting rays. Sting rays aren't aggressive, but if you step on one it'll sting the hell out of you. They bury themselves in the sand, so if you shuffle your feet along the bottom then when you touch one, it'll get up and swim, it's a great way to find shiny pieces of broken glass. 

We have Jelly fish. Jellyfish stings are very painful. If you're in the water and a jellyfish wraps all around you, well, ...piss on it. Really, piss on it...that's what you least that's the old accepted remedy. There's something in urine that helps...I think its piss. (FYI - this is an old "folk" type remedy. It is untrue and can cause infection). 

We have Barracudas. Unlike sharks, which grab you, pull you down and eat you, barracudas just take bites...not too bad...unless there's ten barracudas...then you're like a ear of corn. 

We have crabs. When your lying on the beach blue craps are standing around waiting for the sun to bake you to death saying, "Is he done yet?"

In other words, while your in our state remember God's Cuddly Rule! ...soft and furry, small teeth, big brown eyes, "YES"...long sharp teeth, claws, spines and tentacles, "NO." Welcome to Florida, enjoy your stay. 

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